My mind goes blank

There are moments when I try to write. I mean, I really try to write, but nothing comes to me. Some call it writers’ block, some call it lack of inspiration, creativity, whatever it may be it takes control of me sometimes. 2011 was a rough year for me. I didn’t write…basically at all, save for a few blog posts. I was gripped with this terrible depression. I had quit a job that I loved and spent the rest of the year in and out of good but mostly bad jobs, one of which I got fired from.

I remember crying when I got fired, not immediately of course. At first, it was disbelief. I was planning on quitting anyway, but there was an air of disbelief that they had beaten me to the punch. After that, it was anger. It was hate. It was resentment. Then finally, it was sadness. I felt the crushing reality that I had set up for myself. I realized my mistakes, as constant as they were, were ruining my life and I was at the bottom of a financial ditch that I had no choice but to claw my way out of it.

The depression is what left my mind empty. I had no thoughts. Some people are inspired by depression but for me its this constant voice in the back of my head saying “you’re not good enough. Look at your life, the proof is there” I would write out sentences and drop the story before I even finished the first paragraph. It was hard for me to dig myself out of that ditch. It took a while and it took a lot of mental anguish.

I’m still not in the best place, but I’m working–day in and day out. In my family nobody else wants to hear about your depression or your “mental” issues because at the end of the day I’ve always been told to “stop it with the pity party” I could understand that sentiment if you’re someone clearly seeking attention, but not me. I have a serious problem and no one to talk to, well except for this blog.

C’est la vie. Let’s all hope for the best

– Maureen

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